I like children … to a point. I’ll even go a step further and say that anyone who lacks a soft spot for kids at risk needs help themselves.
But that doesn’t mean I want a federally operated child deportation center in my backyard. It certainly doesn’t mean I want my public officials actively recruiting one based on a cotton candy community consensus that’s as real as the Tuscan Village at Destiny USA.
What then to make of Mayor Stephanie Miner’s recent letter to President Barack Obama, in which she practically panhandles for the center?
“The federal officials have been open and transparent as we work through these issues, yet we feel we can move faster to mitigate this crisis. Indeed, the desire to help exists across the entire Syracuse community.”
Oh, does it?
In politics, that kind of bum-smooching tends to equate with a job search. Nothing wrong with that. If Stephanie gets herself appointed, say, secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, maybe she’ll toss us a bedbug mitigation grant or a triage clinic to treat cyclists attacked by hatchet-wielding juveniles grown right here at home. It’s all win-win.
That said, does it make me a bad person that I see the point of North Siders who oppose the center? Some streets in that part of town look as bad as the war-ravaged countries these kids fled — and this is what they get from their mayor?
An international child misery way station?
How about a decent grocery store?
And how about spreading the misery?
To that end, I’ve taken the liberty of writing the president on behalf of some of our less downtrodden communities to request additional unpleasant federal projects.
Dear President Obama,
As a frequent visitor to the beautiful lakeside community of Skaneateles, I speak for most of its residents in requesting a federal “supermax” prison capable of housing some of the world’s most violent offenders. Currently, the United States has only one federal supermax facility, ADX Florence, in Colorado. It’s not enough. Skaneateles — always eager to embrace controversy — would be proud to offer a valuable East Coast option. Psychos and terrorists don’t rattle us. For Supermax II, pick Skaneateles!
Your friend,
Jeff
***
Dear President Obama,
As a resident of DeWitt, N.Y., I want to inform you of an ideal location for a federally operated lead smelter, Manlius, N.Y., which just happens to be downwind of DeWitt. Virtually every Manlius resident is deeply concerned about the closing last year of the nation’s last primary lead smelter, in Herculaneum, Ms. America now has lost the capacity to produce lead ammo completely within its borders. Unacceptable! Please consider letting Manlius bypass onerous environmental regulations that closed Herculaneum. The large ball field near the swan pond and Sno Top ice cream would be ideal for a new smelter works!
Your friend,
Jeff
***
Dear President Obama,
Hi again. On behalf of Cazenovia, N.Y., I would like to personally invite the federal government to locate a biotoxin drop-off station in this picturesque, patriotic lakeside community. The discovery of vials of smallpox bacteria that were abandoned in a storage room at a federal lab in Maryland plus the accidental anthrax poisoning of more than 80 workers at the Centers for Disease Control, in Atlanta, suggest the need for a secure facility where rogue bio-agents can be assessed for lethality until highly trained federal subcontractor people with names like “Bucky” and “Cletus” can dump them in Cazenovia Lake.
In service as always,
Jeff
***
Dear President Obama,
As the United States scrambles to find a place to dispose of 75,000 metric tons of high-level radioactive waste, the planned community of Radisson, N.Y. has an idea: Our Aspen House Community Center, which serves little purpose other than as a location for the Architectural Standards Committee to debate the nuances of beige house paint. F&^% Yucca Mountain. It’s time to put some “rads” in Radisson.
Glowingly,
Jeff
Email Jeff Kramer at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter at @JKintheCuse.
