Emergency? With Your Money, The Governor Has That Covered

Jeff Kramer | Syracuse New Times

Have you received your free NYS Prepare survival backpack?

You shouldn’t need government to tell you to keep a flashlight, extra food and water, and a few other emergency supplies on hand as a precaution.

If you perish in a disaster for lack of these commonsense preparations, well, sorry, but whose fault is that? Look on the bright side: Your demise will help fight global overpopulation and strengthen the gene pool.

Of course, an ethically deranged governor running for re-election might think differently. He might be very much in favor of a statewide emergency preparedness program, particularly the part about distributing “free” NYS Prepare survival backpacks to likely voters. After all, the disaster the governor fears most isn’t fire or flood. It’s an embarrassingly close win on Nov. 4.

The backpacks, marketed by ProPac, are made in China (so much for Pride of New York) and stuffed with survival tchotchkes. A similar kit on the company’s Website goes for about $50, although state taxpayers are most likely getting the special government rate of $95.

You and I bought hundreds of these swag bags that were distributed at recent disaster planning meetings in our area. Truckloads more are being dispensed across the state as Gov. Andrew Cuomo builds a corps of “skilled volunteers” to save us from . . . what exactly?

Let’s ponder some regional disaster scenarios to see how the NYS Prepare kit could save your life.

Emergency Preparedness KitScenario 1: Mount Moreland Eruption

You’re cruising on the crumbling Interstate 81 overpass when the unthinkable happens: The anti-corruption commission you established explodes, sending a river of toxic anti-corruption lava oozing toward . . . YOU!

You have seconds to act. Reach into your NYS Prepare backpack, grab the duct tape to muzzle any commission members who suggest you’re also fair game in their investigation. Uh oh! Someone at NYS Prepare forgot to include scissors to cut the tape. No prob. Use the same knife you used to cut the knees out from under financially stressed upstate cities. Hypocrisy fumes can be deadly, so strap on that filter mask and move to a safe location, such as Afghanistan. Wrap yourself in the emergency blanket of plausible denial. Defense lawyer not included.

Scenario 2: Economic Tsunami

Central New York gets broadsided with a boom of economic growth. Property values triple. Well-paying jobs abound. Government coffers overflow.

We can’t handle it.

One in seven Central New Yorkers dies of shock in the first 30 minutes. Hundreds of confused Tully residents push wheelbarrows of cash into the Byer Volvo showroom. Well-dressed mobs overwhelm the outrageously overpriced Toby Keith Snowmobile Maze & Alpaca Birthing Experience at Destiny USA.

Lucky you have your magic backpack.

First, discard your new stash of premium Scotch and fill the collapsible gallon jug with Labatt Blue Light. Drink, refill and repeat until your electrolyte levels stabilize. Use your “high quality” transistor radio to monitor tacky new home construction. Three short tweets on your emergency whistle tell first-responders your neighbor is building a turret. Stay calm. With Cuomo’s help, the local economy will re-tank in no time.

Scenario 3: Fan-tom Abduction

When the “announced attendance” at a SU football game against Saint Mr. Potato Head of the Infirmed is given as 38,674, accounting majors protest. Only 29,107 actual people are in attendance. Where did the other 9,567 go?

For “skilled volunteers” searching for the missing, the emergency kit contains a flashlight and protective goggles, perfect for combing through the rubble of a ruined season. Should you locate the Syracuse offense, apply liberal amounts of Andrew Cuomo Hair Mousse & AntiMicrobial Ointment from the first aid kit, and then forcefully insert the 6-inch light stick into . . . never mind.

Among the missing? Your Armageddon bag comes with emergency water and rations to keep you alive until the first basketball game. The rations might taste disgusting, but to paraphrase head football coach Scott Schafer, senior policy analyst with the Brookings Institution, by golly it sure beats getting beheaded by ISIS. Not to mention Florida State.

Stay safe, Syracuse.

Email Jeff Kramer at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter at @JKintheCuse.

Jeff Kramer

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