The First Cabinet Meeting

A peek at the first presidential cabinet meeting.

Photo by Eric Thayer of The New York Times

President Trump: Welcome to the Golden Corral, everyone. As you know, some of you lobbied for KFC, while others of you wanted Denny’s. Personally, I’m a KFC guy, but I thought I would try a compro … compro … what’s that word again?

Sarah Palin, Treasury: Conpromise. C-O-N …

President Trump: Got it, Sarah. Thanks. Love the low neckline, by the way. Very sexy. OK, let’s start with Ted. Anything pressing going on?

Ted Nugent, Homeland Security: I bagged an 8-point this morning in Dupont Circle. Crossbow. Sure looked like a terrorist to me.

Scott Baio, Education: Is Cat Scratch Fever a real disease?

Jerry Falwell, Health and Human Services: Stand down, Chachi. That’s my department.

President Trump: This is good. I like the creative tension. It reminds me a lot of The Apprentice minus all the poontang, with all due respect to our favorite porn star.

Jenna Jameson, Interior: That’s retired porn star, Mr. President, although I haven’t ruled out a comeback.

Ivanka Trump, Commerce: Are you spelling comeback with a “u”?

Mike Ditka, Veterans Affairs: What’s with all the damn spelling? This is football, dammit.

Scott Baio: Jenna?

Jenna Jameson: Yes, Secretary Chachi.

Scott Baio: Can I touch your boobies?

Jerry Falwell: That’s a sin against God. Let us pray.

Multiple voices: No!

Jerry Falwell: OK, fine, Chachi, go ahead and touch her boobies.

President Trump: Excuse me, are we missing someone? Secretary Christie? Yeah, you Big Boy. How about prying yourself away from the dessert bar and joining us?

Chris Christie, Transportation: Just give me a minute. Some jerk shut down the Chocolate Wonderfall with no warning.

President Trump: God, you’re fat.

Chris Christie: Thank you, Sir.

Jerry Falwell: It seems we’re forgetting something.

Gary Busey, Agriculture: Our five to nine servings of vegetables per day?

(much laughter)

President Trump: Does weed count?

(more laughter)

Gary Busey: I’ll get right on that.

President Trump: And I’ll get right on Jenna.

Sarah Palin: What about me?

President Trump: You’re a 6, Sarah. Maybe a 6.5. This isn’t 2008 anymore. I need you for your mind.

Chris Christie (from afar): I’m dipping the Oriental Pepper Beef in the Chocolate Wonderfall. This is awesome!

David Duke, Housing and Urban Affairs: Whatever happened to the White Chocolate Wunderfall?

Ted Nugent: It was a one-time promotion, I believe.

David Duke: You know what that is? That’s reverse racism.

President Trump: Mike, do you have anything to contribute?

Mike Pence, Vice President: Yes, Mr. President. Homosexuality is a sin against God. It says so in the Bible.

President Trump: Read. My. Lips. I. Don’t. Care. Hulk, what about you? What do you have?

Hulk Hogan, Secretary of Defense: Hulkamania is runnin’ wild, Brother.

President Trump: Works for me. Let’s move on.

Rudy Giuliani, State: China called. They have a response to your notification that we are shutting the door to their cheap exports and demanding they purchase large manufactured goods from us.

President Trump: What did they say?

Rudy Giuliani: They said to shove a spring roll up your ass.

President Trump: Now what?

Attorney General Judge Judy: You’re the boss applesauce.

President Trump: Nuke ’em.

Sarah Palin: That’s what I’m talkin’ about. I can see China from my Wal-Mart.

Ivanka: Maybe we should try diplomacy first. Do we have any ambassadors confirmed yet?

President Trump: Just Dennis Rodman.

Mike Tyson, Labor: That boy is messed up.

President Trump: Maybe we should send you instead. Weren’t you just in China promoting boxing?

Mike Tyson: Sure, I’ll go. I’m all about conflict resolution.

President Trump: Thanks, Mike.

Mike Ditka: You’re welcome. If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn’t have given us arms.

Multiple Voices: Huh?

Hulk Hogan: Hulkamania is runnin’ wild, Brother. Still.

Jerry Falwell: Let us pray.

President Trump: You’re all fired!

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