President Trump: Welcome to the Golden Corral, everyone. As you know, some of you lobbied for KFC, while others of you wanted Denny’s. Personally, I’m a KFC guy, but I thought I would try a compro … compro … what’s that word again?
Sarah Palin, Treasury: Conpromise. C-O-N …
President Trump: Got it, Sarah. Thanks. Love the low neckline, by the way. Very sexy. OK, let’s start with Ted. Anything pressing going on?
Ted Nugent, Homeland Security: I bagged an 8-point this morning in Dupont Circle. Crossbow. Sure looked like a terrorist to me.
Scott Baio, Education: Is Cat Scratch Fever a real disease?
Jerry Falwell, Health and Human Services: Stand down, Chachi. That’s my department.
President Trump: This is good. I like the creative tension. It reminds me a lot of The Apprentice minus all the poontang, with all due respect to our favorite porn star.
Jenna Jameson, Interior: That’s retired porn star, Mr. President, although I haven’t ruled out a comeback.
Ivanka Trump, Commerce: Are you spelling comeback with a “u”?
Mike Ditka, Veterans Affairs: What’s with all the damn spelling? This is football, dammit.
Scott Baio: Jenna?
Jenna Jameson: Yes, Secretary Chachi.
Scott Baio: Can I touch your boobies?
Jerry Falwell: That’s a sin against God. Let us pray.
Multiple voices: No!
Jerry Falwell: OK, fine, Chachi, go ahead and touch her boobies.
President Trump: Excuse me, are we missing someone? Secretary Christie? Yeah, you Big Boy. How about prying yourself away from the dessert bar and joining us?
Chris Christie, Transportation: Just give me a minute. Some jerk shut down the Chocolate Wonderfall with no warning.
President Trump: God, you’re fat.
Chris Christie: Thank you, Sir.
Jerry Falwell: It seems we’re forgetting something.
Gary Busey, Agriculture: Our five to nine servings of vegetables per day?
(much laughter)
President Trump: Does weed count?
(more laughter)
Gary Busey: I’ll get right on that.
President Trump: And I’ll get right on Jenna.
Sarah Palin: What about me?
President Trump: You’re a 6, Sarah. Maybe a 6.5. This isn’t 2008 anymore. I need you for your mind.
Chris Christie (from afar): I’m dipping the Oriental Pepper Beef in the Chocolate Wonderfall. This is awesome!
David Duke, Housing and Urban Affairs: Whatever happened to the White Chocolate Wunderfall?
Ted Nugent: It was a one-time promotion, I believe.
David Duke: You know what that is? That’s reverse racism.
President Trump: Mike, do you have anything to contribute?
Mike Pence, Vice President: Yes, Mr. President. Homosexuality is a sin against God. It says so in the Bible.
President Trump: Read. My. Lips. I. Don’t. Care. Hulk, what about you? What do you have?
Hulk Hogan, Secretary of Defense: Hulkamania is runnin’ wild, Brother.
President Trump: Works for me. Let’s move on.
Rudy Giuliani, State: China called. They have a response to your notification that we are shutting the door to their cheap exports and demanding they purchase large manufactured goods from us.
President Trump: What did they say?
Rudy Giuliani: They said to shove a spring roll up your ass.
President Trump: Now what?
Attorney General Judge Judy: You’re the boss applesauce.
President Trump: Nuke ’em.
Sarah Palin: That’s what I’m talkin’ about. I can see China from my Wal-Mart.
Ivanka: Maybe we should try diplomacy first. Do we have any ambassadors confirmed yet?
President Trump: Just Dennis Rodman.
Mike Tyson, Labor: That boy is messed up.
President Trump: Maybe we should send you instead. Weren’t you just in China promoting boxing?
Mike Tyson: Sure, I’ll go. I’m all about conflict resolution.
President Trump: Thanks, Mike.
Mike Ditka: You’re welcome. If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn’t have given us arms.
Multiple Voices: Huh?
Hulk Hogan: Hulkamania is runnin’ wild, Brother. Still.
Jerry Falwell: Let us pray.
President Trump: You’re all fired!