Will this be a good week or a bad week? Should you hit the casino or maybe curl up inside with a nice book? Read your horoscope to find out!
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Do you have any skills at living on the edge between the light and the dark? Are you curious about what the world might look like and how people would treat you if you refused to divide everything up into that which helps you and that which doesn’t help you? Can you imagine how it would feel if you loved your life just the way it is and not wish it were different from what it is? Please note: People less courageous than you might prefer you to be less courageous. But I hope you’ll stay true to the experiment of living on the edge between the light and the dark.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) According to Popbitch.com, most top-charting pop songs are in a minor key. In light of this fact, I encourage you to avoid listening to pop songs for the next three weeks. In my astrological opinion, it’s essential that you surround yourself with stimuli that don’t tend to make you sad and blue, that don’t influence you to interpret your experience through a melancholic, mournful filter. To accomplish the assignments that life will be sending you, you need to at least temporarily cultivate a mood of crafty optimism.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Gemini regent Queen Victoria (1819–1901) wore crotchless underwear made of linen. A few years ago, Britain’s Museums, Libraries, and Archives Council accorded them “national designated status,” an official notice that means they are a national treasure. If I had the power, I would give your undergarments an equivalent acknowledgment. The only evidence I would need to make this bold move would be the intelligence and expressiveness with which you are going to wield your erotic sensibilities in the coming weeks.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) I’ve taken a break from socializing, my fellow Cancerian. In fact, I’m on sabbatical from my regular rhythm. My goal for the coming days is to commune with my past and review the story of my life. Rather than fill my brain up with the latest news and celebrity gossip, I am meditating on my own deep dark mysteries. I’m mining for secrets that I might be concealing from myself. In accordance with the astrological omens, I suggest that you follow my lead. You might want to delve into boxes of old mementoes or reread emails from years ago. You could get in touch with people who are no longer part of your life even though they were once important to you. How else could you get into intimate contact with your eternal self?
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Here’s a quote from A Map of Misreading, a book by renowned literary critic Harold Bloom: “Where the synecdoche of tessera made a totality, however illusive, the metonymy of kenosis breaks this up into discontinuous fragments.” What the cluck did Harold Bloom just say? I’m not being anti-intellectual when I declare this passage to be pretentious drivel. In the coming days, I urge you Leos to draw inspiration from my response to Bloom. Tell the truth about nonsense. Don’t pretend to appreciate jumbled or overcomplicated ideas. Expose bunk and bombast. Be kind, if you can, but be firm. You’re primed to be a champion of down-toearth communication.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The data research company Priceonomics suggests that Monday is the most productive day of the week and that October is the most productive month of the year. My research suggests that while Capricorns tend to be the most consistently productive of all the signs in the zodiac, Virgos often outstrip them for a six-week period during the end of each September and throughout October. Furthermore, my intuition tells me that you Virgos now have an extraordinary capacity to turn good ideas into practical action. I conclude, therefore, that you are about to embark on a surge of industrious and high-quality work. (P.S.: This October has five Mondays.)
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Biologists are constantly unearthing new species, although not new in the sense of having just appeared on our planet. In fact, they’re animals and plants that have existed for millennia. But they’ve never before been noticed and identified by science. Among recent additions to our ever-growing knowledge are an orchid in Madagascar that smells like champagne, an electric blue tarantula in the Guyana rain forest, and a Western Australian grass that has a flavor resembling salt and vinegar potato chips. I suspect you’ll be making metaphorically comparable discoveries in the coming weeks, Libra: evocative beauty that you’ve been blind to and interesting phenomena that have been hiding in plain sight.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) There is no such thing as a plant that blooms continuously. Phases of withering and dormancy are just as natural as phases of growth. I bring this fact to your attention to help you remain poised as you go through your own period of withering followed by dormancy. You should accept life’s demand that you slow down and explore the mysteries of fallowness. You should surrender sweetly to stasis and enjoy your time of rest and recharging. That’s the best way to prepare for the new cycle of growth that will begin in a few weeks.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) If you were ever going to win a contest that awarded you a free vacation to an exotic sanctuary, it would probably happen during the next three weeks. If a toy company would ever approach you about developing a line of action figures and kids’ books based on your life, it might also be sometime soon. And if you have ever had hopes of converting your adversaries into allies, or getting support and backing for your good original ideas, or finding unexpected inspiration to fix one of your not-so-good habits, those opportunities are now more likely than they have been for some time.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) An 81-year-old Capricorn man named James Harrison has donated his unique blood on 1,173 occasions. Scientists have used it to make medicine that prevents Rhesus disease in unborn babies, thereby healing more than 2.4 million kids and literally saving thousands of lives. I don’t expect you to do anything nearly as remarkable. But I do want to let you know that the coming weeks will be a favorable time to lift your generosity and compassion to the next level. Harrison would serve well as your patron saint.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) On a spring morning some years ago, a smoky aroma woke me from a deep sleep. Peering out my bedroom window into the backyard, I saw that my trickster girlfriend Anastasia had built a bonfire. When I stumbled to my closet to get dressed, I found my clothes missing. There were no garments in my dresser, either. In my groggy haze, I realized that my entire wardrobe had become fuel for Anastasia’s conflagration. It was too late to intervene, and I was still quite drowsy, so I crawled back in bed to resume snoozing. A while later, I woke to find her standing next to the bed bearing a luxurious breakfast she said she’d cooked over the flames of my burning clothes. After our meal, we stayed in bed all day, indulging in a variety of riotous fun. I’m not predicting that similar events will unfold in your life, Aquarius. But you may experience adventures that are almost equally boisterous, hilarious and mysterious.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) I’ve got three teachings for you. 1. Was there a time in your past when bad romance wounded your talent for love? Yes, but you now have more power to heal that wound than you’ve ever had before. 2. Is it possible you’re ready to shed a semi-delicious addiction to a chaotic magic? Yes. Clarity is poised to trump melodrama. Joyous decisiveness is primed to vanquish ingrained sadness. 3. Has there ever been a better time than now to resolve and graduate from past events that have bothered and drained you for a long time? No. This is the best time ever